I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
