remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
