found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
