you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
