Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
