I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
