you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
