thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
