my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
