This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
