There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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