I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
