she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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