Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
