I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
