I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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