also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
did i just pee glitter
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
