dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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