It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
