ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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