There was a lot of him and a little penis
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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