Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
