I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
