: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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