They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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