Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
