I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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