just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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