I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
