My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
