There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
