I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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