Are we in a gay sports bar?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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