I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
