Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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