I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
