**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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