Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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