I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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