You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
