when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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