When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
