I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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