im six kinds of drunk right now
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
