new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
