Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize