just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
