And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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