The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
