just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
