Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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