ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
