I faked an abortion last night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
