theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
