I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
