I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
