he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
