between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
