the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
