guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
