I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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